[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that