To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
*pokes sex life with a stick
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot