In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
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my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
peep davidson
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it