Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
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Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.