Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
And that about sums it up.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”