Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
The options really are this bad
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.