ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?