Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
#Caturday
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses