peep davidson
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If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Weighing up my bread heating options
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention