[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
You Might Also Like
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
How to wake up a Beagle
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
my retirement plan is braless
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.