You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
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My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
When I pack too much for a short trip.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
¯_(ツ)_/¯
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.