I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
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One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.