I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
A roof is a house hat.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Think I pulled my liver
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.