[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I wish this was real life…
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime