Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
2022 be like
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now