CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
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How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Those are good neighbors.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.