That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.