Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it