It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
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if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Whoa… oh I see lol