wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My dad.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
i smell a pulitzer
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
much to think about
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.