I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar