I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.