If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga