You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
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Cheers Twitter.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.