You Might Also Like
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
How software testing works
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular