You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
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Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that