1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
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I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
no refunds
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842