BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
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Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I’m sorry…what?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*