I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
what day is it?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.