A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
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Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.