Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
You Might Also Like
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit