A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
You Might Also Like
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.