*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Basically.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?