Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
You Might Also Like
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Yup
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.