I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.