Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
You Might Also Like
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
i hate you platonically
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.