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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.