“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
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If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives