MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Oops I deleted….
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?