*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
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*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
im 7 sauces long
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Not all heroes wear capes…
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists