everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
the red hot silly peppers
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?