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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
The bank says I canât afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we goâŚ
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90Me: Nailed it.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Welcome
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940âs.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. đ
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Why are they called âschool gym clothesâ and not âclass action suitsâ?
The fall of Netflix
Wait for it. (You wonât regret it).
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
âGo on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.â
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he canât even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.