My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.