[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot