I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down