Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Thursday Thought.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.