imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
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At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Tuesday
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
titanic
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.