Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
he chose this
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.