An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Introverted vegans go meetless
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack