“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution